Russian version

English version

Saturday, 18 October 2014


That moment when you meet someone so in love with what they do and so alive when doing it, and you stand there looking into their sparkling eyes and promise to yourself that one day you'll be just as secure with your purpose in life as they are. Sort of a promise I'm unable to keep.
I've never been quite sure of who I am or should be. In my very first post I mentioned an overambitious idea of a new life, which is, well... impossible, but still there, demanding attention, at the back of my mind. And I would mimic other people, change my hair and style, take on new hobbies and try to be someone I simply could not be. When I realized mimicking others doesn't make me different, I thought that maybe I just wasn't ready yet  but one day I will be ready and I will change, I just need to wait for the moment to come. Which, well... never does.
And now I am 22.
And I want to be 16, and I want my 16 year old self to be different. I want to be an overambitious kid in funky clothes and with the widest grin on her face, in a group of no-brainer teenagers galavanting around town singing the most stupid songs guessing the lyrics along the way,  just because I never was one of those kids, and I'll never be 16 again, and I'll never be blatantly happy in my teens. And I wish I could have been different.
The first rule here is not to regret what happened in the past. But boy do I regret spending my childhood and teenage years desperately trying to solve an insoluble task of being someone else. I wish I could just let myself be me and get on with it.
So there, I just said it
You know that admitting the problem is the first step
Towards repair, "We all recover"
All Time Low  Canals

mirror black and white photograph